Apr. 14th, 2004

Restless

Apr. 14th, 2004 02:58 pm
almost_russell: (Intense)
Russell sat on his window ledge looking down over the park, a mug of cold coffee in his hand. He kept thinking about his conversation with Arwen the previous day, running over things in his mind. Thinking about what could have happened to her, and what he might have been able to do to stop it had unsettled him.

Unsettled? How about made him feel guilty? Nothing like going to Catholic School to make you believe in guilt, and pretty much roll around in it if there's any to be had.

He put the mug down, picked up his jacket, and walked down towards the diner. Funny, he didn't feel like company today either. He waved at Martha on his way past, and headed for the park. He was so deep in thought that he walked straight through the park, and right across the field without really noticing where he was going, coming to a halt as he reached the large tree, his tree, that stood on the banks of the stream.

How do you handle conflict?

He sighed, and sat with his back against the tree, watching the water flow past. What was that old Chinese saying?

"If you sit by a river long enough, the dead bodies of your enemies will float by you."

"What the hell brought that to mind? Can't think of anyone I could call an enemy, not really. (William doesn't count – that was just a nickname!) Maybe it's all to do with the way you handle conflict, which for me is usually as peacefully as possible. Guess I've always been able to talk my way out of trouble, well, most of the time! Never been much of a fighter, and the occasional drunken brawl with Jeff doesn't count. Neither of us was ever sober enough to do any real damage.

That's not to say I wouldn't stand up for myself or someone I cared about if I had to, but given the choice, I'll go for the non-violent approach every time. Maybe that would account for the lack of enemies!"

What is the oddest gift you've been given?

"And why do I keep hearing the voice of William's Mom?? She gave me the oddest gift anyone has ever given me - a piece of advice.

"Go, do your best. Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid. It's not too late for you to become a person of substance, Russell. There's hope for you yet."

She really freaked me out with that, but I've never forgotten it. It always springs to mind when I know I have to do something that's not gonna be easy, like letting Rolling Stone publish William's article, and when I knew I had to leave the band. Just helps give me a little extra courage when I need it, just enough to do what needs to be done. Often felt like writing her a letter, just to say thanks. She's the sort of person that would probably understand why I would want to do that.

And I don't know about the mighty forces bit, but it's certainly helped me be bold when I've needed to be.

I just have no idea why it's rattling round my head now."

He let his head fall back against the tree, and sighed. Again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was dark by the time he got back to the apartment, and he didn't bother putting the lights on. He headed straight for the bedroom, got undressed, and slipped into bed. If there was one thing guaranteed to make him feel better, this was it. He snuggled up against his warm lover, sighing as strong arms enfolded him, and he left all thoughts of guilt behind as he drifted off to sleep.

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almost_russell

September 2004

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